Wow. I just re-watched my matches and am overwhelmed with gratitude for my talented opponents. The reason I’m proud of my performance has much to do with the fact that everyone was so good. The opponent I had faced before and lost to, I lost to better. So much better.
I also noticed some more things to work on and some more positives:
a) I’m not truly as active as I think I am in a bottom position. I’m good at staying safe but need to work harder and more immediately to improve my position.
b) I was so worried about getting out of closed guard after being stuck there for so much time in the last tournament that I neglected my defenses to open guards. I made all my rolling partners start with me in a tight closed guard for the past few months… :)
c) I didn’t even realize during the matches that my no-gi opponent had been going for ankle locks the whole time. Whoopsie-daisy. I thought she was reaping the leg for the sweep. Way to be present, me.
d) my inclination to stay on top usually serves me really well in a scramble.
e) I really do not give a shit about my hair in tournaments, rarely even fixing it between matches, which in combination with the bulky black mouthguard makes for sweet, sweet tournament photos.
For a little bit yesterday I suddenly got really down on my performance. The peaks and valleys post competition are normal, I suppose. The fact that I didn’t submit anyone and was submitted in my final match suddenly was the only way I could see the tournament. I’m glad I’m coming out of that feeling, because it just isn’t useful. Part of the reason I felt this way was because of social media - the girl I lost to is FB friends with me and my feed was getting barraged with an angle of our matches which made it seem much more one-sided. I started to become frustrated that it didn’t matter what really happened to anyone, and that the fact that I lost would be the only thing people would see. This is true in general of competition. Even the losers do great things, but celebrating the performance of a loser happens only very rarely. I did the right thing and unfollowed her posts so that I didn’t keep letting it color my perspective, because who has time for that.
Today I’m back to feeling proud of what I’ve accomplished, eager to learn more and improve and in love with my art.